


Carry On

by fadedlullabyes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Feels, I don't know what I'm doing, M/M, Sam Angst, Sam Feels, Sam doesn't know about Dean, Sam thinks about his brother, Spoilers for season 9 finale, Tissues may be needed, Wincest - Freeform, canon character death, s9ep23: Do you believe in miracles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 23:19:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1666175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadedlullabyes/pseuds/fadedlullabyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam reflects on Dean and what he could have done to save his brother. Now, he has a new mission to retrieve Dean's soul and return it to his body. It's not that simple when his brother's corpse goes missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carry On

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, got punched in the feels with the season finale. This is basically a one shot until Supernatural starts up again in the fall or I get a really good idea to continue this. I just needed to write out my feels and this is the product. Enjoy.

“Goddamnit, Crowley, you son of a bitch, answer me.” Sam growled as he lit another match. He was on his fourth one in twenty minutes and there was still no Crowley in sight. Sam was desperate, pleading to make a deal so he could have Dean’s soul back. It didn’t matter to him that he was doing almost the exact thing Dean had done.

 

He now understood what had driven Dean to make the deal with Gadreel. It wasn’t a selfish move out of a desperate need to not be alone. Sam knew that now. Dean had done what he did to keep Sam safe because it had been what he had been taught and also, because they were all they had ever known.

 

Even when Sam had lived with Jessica, he had thought of Dean almost every day even though he had never picked up the phone. The connection between them had always been there and it was never acknowledged. Sam knew what they had ran deeper than being brothers, it was more like being part of the same soul. It was cliche and Dean probably would have called Sam a girl just for thinking it. Sam couldn’t imagine the rest of his life without his brother. He’d barely survived the four months Dean had been in hell and he knew there was no way he could survive years if he didn’t drink himself to death in the first year.

 

There had to be a way and Crowley was Sam’s first stop. His heart had wrenched when he saw the summoning altar for Crowley. Dean hadn’t cleaned his mess; he had just left it there and went after Metatron like a man possessed. Sam could picture his brother in his flannel shirt and a frown on his face as he called Crowley. It was amazing how easily Sam could conjure Dean’s image up in his mind and he could barely remember Jessica’s face. He had forgotten her scent after the first week on the road when Dean’s became the only one he was around.

 

For years it had been the two of them, hunting and trying to save the world. Ten long years had been spent trying to keep the devil in hell, stopping the apocalypse, and finding a way to kill leviathan. It was a battle that was never ending but they had never known anything else. Even when Sam tried to play at a normal life, he still had the instincts his father had instilled in him.

 

Even with not sparring and studying, Sam still held onto everything he had been taught. It’d been so hard to explain himself sometimes to Jess that Sam had considered just telling her the truth. It was so simple to Sam; he could have avoided this whole situation if he had just told her everything and warded the house like he had been taught.

 

No one was ever safe, that had been the first lesson John had taught Sam. He couldn’t allow himself to dwell on that can of worms. Dean needed Sam and he had to come through. There had to be some way to pull Dean back from wherever he was and Crowley was the first thing he thought of.

 

Crowley was the only source Sam on the First Blade and what it could do. There was no lore on the Mark of Cain. When Dean had taken the mark and finally told Sam about it, he had done some research. There was nothing in the world that spoke of the Mark and what it entailed. It was essentially the best kept secret of Hell. Not even the Bible had mentioned anything about it or the deal Cain had made to save Abel. It was a dead end street and Sam wondered if Castiel would know anything about it.

 

Sam had considered calling Castiel down from Heaven just so he could ask about the Mark. There had been concern all over the angel’s face when he had sensed the Mark on Dean right after Dean had acquired it. The reaction had set Sam on edge and he tried to find whatever he could but it was fruitless.

 

So here he was, his brother gone. Dean’s last words had torn Sam to shreds and he couldn’t get them out of his head. _I’m proud of us,_  he had said into Sam’s ear while he took his last breath. Sam tried to shake the words, to purge them out of his mind but they were there. For the rest of his life he would be haunted by them; never able to escape them. Sam had tried already to drown them out with whiskey and yet they still lingered, repeating over and over again.

 

His clothes were still caked with Dean’s blood. He didn’t have the heart to change them and when Crowley didn’t answer his call, Sam figured he had nothing better to do. He would have to burn Dean’s body and he just couldn’t do that. The first time Dean had died, Sam had buried the body. He remembered the festering wound that had never really healed and now it being ripped open yet again; not even breaking down Death’s wall had felt like this. It was a black hole that went straight to Sam’s soul and he wasn’t sure it could be healed this time.

 

Somewhere out in the world was an answer and Sam would find it. He knew that Castiel wouldn’t come this time to save Dean. There was too much to do in Heaven and he wasn’t sure what Castiel’s plan had been. He would have called the angel straight down but Sam knew his Grace was limited and coming down to help with Dean would probably kill the angel.

 

His options were limited on what he could do and Sam could sit and swirl the dark liquor in his glass. He would find a way to save Dean, bring him back and keep him safe. Sam would have to track Cain himself in order to find out more about the Mark. There had to be a clue somewhere and starting with the source was his best choice. Sam didn’t know how he would track the Knight of Hell or if he could even be tracked but he would damn well try.

 

The glass hit the counter with a small thud and Sam rubbed his temple. He would have to check lore again and maybe he could find a demon who would tell him how to find Cain. Someone had to know how to contact the knight. It couldn’t have been pure accident that Crowley and Dean had found Cain. There was such a thing as fate, Sam knew, but there were those that flirted closely with her. Crowley was one of those beings that walked that close line.

 

Sam couldn’t sit at the counter any longer. He needed something to do. He had to keep his mind numb until he could decide what to do. Burning Dean’s body was out of the question until Sam found some way to bring him back. His big brother had always been indestructible to Sam and to lose him because of Metatron, had broken something in Sam. There was no God to bring him back this time. Sam was sure they had punched that ticket too many times and they were no longer favored.

 

Digging a grave for Dean’s body was the best thing he could do right now. Sam set to his task, not even bothering to wash the dried blood of his brother from his hands. He grabbed a shovel that had been kept in the shed and started to dig in the first spot he found. Sam would keep Dean’s body close to the bunker. He didn’t know if the body was still warded against possession but being on the property of the bunker would give the protection Dean’s body would need. Sam would be damned if he let anything ride in his brother’s body.

 

The grave took him hours to dig since he took it slow. Sam would have gone faster but he didn’t want to come face to face with Dean’s body just yet. He couldn’t look at it knowing he’d never see his brother’s green eyes light up at the sight of a double bacon cheeseburger or the new issue of Busty Asian Beauties. Despite all his faults, Sam knew he was the only one Dean would come home to.

 

They had their affairs with other people over the years, it had only been natural afterall. Dean was just as strong willed as Sam and they butted heads all the time. The breaks in their relationship had been natural and of course drama free. They both knew when the other needed a break and never held it against each other. It was the best relationship Sam ever had even though it was with his own brother. He wondered briefly if Cain and Abel had been the same way.  

 

It was an interesting thought and one that would definitely would have never made it to the Bible. The fleeting thought passed through Sam’s head because he didn’t want to dwell on it. He was done with the grave and there was nothing he could do now to avoid the corpse in his brother’s room. Sam walked slowly as if he were on death row and was going to fulfill his death sentence.

 

His legs grew heavier the closer he came to Dean’s room. It was like invisible weights had been added when he wasn’t aware and when he was outside of Dean’s room. He stopped completely. He almost knocked on the door when he realized that Dean wouldn’t answer him. There was no soul in his brother’s body to yell at him or make some comment about sharing feelings after a battle won.

 

It certainly didn’t feel like winning to Sam. He had lost the only person who had ever mattered to him in his life. The man who had practically raised him and who Sam had fallen in love with was gone. He had been wiped from the earth by an angel and Sam wished he had pushed a blade through Metatron. It was spilled milk and all Sam could do was go forward and bring his brother back. He wouldn’t give up, failure wasn’t an option.

 

Sam pushed the door open and slowly stepped into the room. He kept his eyes averted from the bed because he didn’t want to see Dean’s broken and battered body. There was a bathroom attached to the bedroom and he made his way there first, avoiding the bed altogether because he just couldn’t deal with this so soon. Sam gathered a wet towel and a basin that Dean never really removed from the bathroom. He had told Sam one day it would come in handy, and God, Sam hated how right Dean had been. He filled it with water, taking his time because he just needed to stall.

 

When it was apparent he couldn’t stall anymore, Sam gathered the towels and basin. He made the short trek back to Dean’s room and dropped the basin of water to the floor. The water splashed against his jeans but he couldn’t care. Dean’s bed was empty.

 

His body was gone and the only evidence that Dean had even been there was the blood staining the sheets. Sam’s fists shook as he approached the bed and the distinct smell of sulphur hit his nose. There was only one demon that would dare to take Dean’s body and Sam had been attempting to summon him earlier that night. He felt like a goddamned idiot because it had let Crowley in.

 

Sam had a mission now to fill the void that had been in his soul. Dean’s body would need to be recovered first before he could attempt to get his soul back. Rage boiled in Sam’s veins because he knew Crowley wasn’t stupid enough to come to him if summoned. He would have to find Crowley the old fashioned way and barter to retrieve Dean’s body. Sam would carry on the only way he knew how.

 

 


End file.
